I used to judge people who said things like, "My child is getting on my last nerve." or "My child is driving me crazy." I thought they must be horrible parents, they can't stand their child. How could you not love them? How could you say something like that about them?
Today I was one of those parents. Two year olds are a new level. Babies are one thing, but two year olds... two year olds are smart.
Today Levi peed into our game cabinet. I don't think he messed up much, but I was nursing Aria and it was just one more thing. I know Levi can be potty trained, I know he knows... it's just a matter of him actually wanting to do it. It's also a matter of me having the time/attention/energy to work with him on it. Those things haven't seemed to line up yet. I feel like the little potty is sitting there and mocking me. I'm exactly where I did not want to be two years ago when I started EC'ing.
I'm also really emotional. Something about having a baby come out of your body, all those hormones are looking for a place to land... I think I'm still in the fragile stage. Also, Aria has started to cry more. I think she's struggling with gas right now. Then she gets over tired and just wants to nurse and nurse and then cries and cries. I can't swaddle her because of her brace. Honestly, the brace isn't that bad, but I do feel like it just gets in the way sometimes and doesn't allow me to cuddle with her the way I want to. It's a small sacrifice I guess.
Today we were all crying at some point.
God is gracious in that He provides naps. I slept for two hours. This is good because the longest stretch I slept for last night was three hours and aside from that there was lots of waking up and crying and gas and struggling. It was a rough night last night. This makes for a frazzled mom who is not prepared to deal with a two year old.
Sometimes you just feel like you are terrible at parenting.
Lord, You created all of this. You knew how my kids would be spaced, You knew my days before I did. Help me to love my son. Help me not to get frustrated with him. Jesus, I am in complete need of You and Your mercy in my life. Thank You that because of Your blood I don't have to be perfect, I would be so ... lost, up a creek, done for without Your blood to cover my sins. Thank You for having grace for me, compassion on me. Help me to extend that same grace to my son.
I am weak, but He is strong.